Lost – cutting a long story short

Ok, so to sum up.

There is an island.

This certainly contains spoilers. If you haven’t done the Lost thang, you probably should, because they’re really good, so stop reading this and head off to Amazon. Otherwise, if you’ve seen it all, and read all about it on E!, and seen the deleted scenes on DVD and so on, then you are truly qualified. Do read on.

There is an island.

The island has various inherent powers. It has a light in the middle. It has a strong electromagnetic force which baffles compasses and is prone to explosion. It is able to move, if a wheel is turned. Should the wheel be dislodged, the island can also travel in time. It is able to send people to the middle of a desert somewhere using the same wheel.

It has a large statue of an egyptian looking deity, and a smattering of ancient temples.

The island cannot be approached except by submarine, shipwreck or plane crash. The island cannot be left except by wheel, or by following a single compass bearing. People heal quickly on the island, regardless of the ailment.

A woman lives on the island.

One day a boat crashes on the island. After helping the survivor give birth to two boys, she kills the mother and takes the boys as her own.

Time passes, the boys grow.

The fair haired boy is fairly happy with his lot.

The dark haired boy learns of his mother’s demise, and adoptive mother’s betrayal. He leaves the family and joins another small village on the island. He is keen to leave the island.

The other boy just shrugs. Maybe he’s stoned or something.

The mother kills the villagers, and in turn is killed by the dark haired boy. Before she dies, the mother gives her non-specific powers to the fair-haired boy, who throws his dark-haired-brother into a pool of light as punishment. The dark-haired boy dies, but lives on as a smoke monster. The smoke monster is able to take the form of dead people, and so becomes the dark-haired boy again. He is far from happy.

Time passes. One day, a tidal wave brings an old ship to the island, destroying the statue. The ship is the Black Rock, and contains a fragile amount of dynamite, which is mostly used by a crazy French woman from Babylon 5. The survivor of the shipwreck is offered eternal life by the fair-haired boy in return for eternal service. He leads a small group of villagers, trying to do the “right thing”, though none of them know what this is, as the fair-haired boy never actually says what it is he wants. Another group of villagers live in a temple not far away, but don’t seem to know any of this. They too, are big fans of the fair-haired boy. And karate. They love that stuff.

At some point the island is discovered by scientists (the “Drama Initiative”), who hope to use the island to mankind’s advantage, and breed polar bears. They achieve a peaceful standoff with the villagers, and establish a force-field to prevent the smoke monster killing people. The smoke monster does not attack the villagers outside the perimeter, for reasons unclear.

The scientists cause a problem, meaning the eletromagnetic field must be vented on a regular basis. They combine this with a psychological test by locking up the maintenance team, slap on some warnings of a virus outside, and then sit back and monitor them with video cameras. When the team forget to vent, they are shown scary symbols, and lights flash. Underwear is changd. When the system eventually explodes, it actually causes no damage, except to the venting system itself, proving the entire system was something of a timewaster.

Faced with the most ridiculous pseudo-scientific endeavours since the invention of homeopathy, the villagers outside the perimeter rise up against the harmless hippy scientists, headed by the poor son of a drunken employee who is unhappy with his lot. He leads the village and all are happy, though he does not permit them to leave.

The fair-haired boy decides to bring some new people to the island. He does this by crashing a plane on it. Many people are killed and injured. Of the survivors, many are then killed by the smoke monster. Of the survivors, many are killed by the villagers. Of those survivors, many are killed in attempts to leave the island. And of the few remaining survivors, some escape.

The majority of the escapees return to the island as soon as they are able, by crashing another plane on it. Of those people, most are killed by attempts to escape again, by villagers, and by the smoke monster, who has arbitrarily taken the form of one of the original plane crash survivors.

Of the handful of subsequent survivors, the leader of the villagers kills the fair-haired boy, for treating him poorly for most of his life. The fair-headed boy brushes it off like a bad smell, and still continues to plague the poor cursed humans he crashed on the place.

Some more people die.

The fair-headed boy offers the few remaining survivors the opportunity to take over the running of the island. One volunteers. He immediately does the opposite of everything he was meant to do. The smoke monster becomes vulnerable and is killed. He will never see Paris in the spring. Woo-hoo. The volunteer then dies. Aw. Someone else takes over, seconded by the leader of the villagers who has been accepted despite repeated killing and torture of other survivors.

The fair-headed boy is named Jacob. He is able to travel anywhere at whim. He brings people to the island knowing they will die. He is able to assist or even offer immortality, but he does not. He crashes planes for a bit of company. For some reason, he is know as the Good Guy.

The dark-haired boy simply wishes to leave the island. He cannot, for his brother killed him. He kills bad guys and good guys alike, but brings no people to the island. He seems no more morally corrupt than the survviors themselves, but is known as the Devil.

Is that fair?

Only Michael’s kid (“that’s MY boy”) and the Kwon’s kid (sob sob) leave the island in peace, and move on. I think probably, they win.

Of course, at the final judgement, they’re all dead. But they had a good time and made friends along the way. So that’s all ok then.

  • http://twitter.com/ewyse Eamon Wyse

    Nice work!!

    Or…A plane crashes on and Island. The passengers all die. They spend the next 6 years in purgatory, before they are finally allowed to leave. Apart from one, who decides to stay in Limbo, whilst the others leave to go to a better place. Oh, yeah. Apart from all of the ones that they forgot about in the finale. They just went shopping, or snorkelling. I'm undecided on that bit.